I wanted him so much that I have come to need him.

When I first met Ben I was, what I would classify as fiercely independent. I did my very best not to rely on anyone for anything too important. Fast forward almost three years later; I'm sitting in our tiny apartment that we have lived in together for the past two and a half years, taking care of our six month old son, and procrastinating housework. Tomorrow, you'll find me doing the exact same thing. And the next day. And the next day. (maybe somewhere in there I'll stop procrastinating the housework-maybe.) All the while my dearest husband is out there working 15 hour days to meet our little families needs and to finish school so that he can continue to do so as our family grows into a not-so-little family.  

You see, before I actually knew Ben I guess I just wanted a husband to grow old with, someone to live life alongside (granted it would be an eternal life), and share memories and children with. I thought that was what marriage was. Then I met him, then I fell in LOVE with him. After that- the idea of just living parallel to him could never be enough. I wanted to be with him and be connected to him in a way I'm not sure there are even words to describe. I wanted our lives to be embedded in each others in a way covalent bonds wouldn't even compare! 

Today I happened across this article. It talks about how men have a tendency to make themselves needed because (subconciously or otherwise) they don't believe that they're wanted. It is written on a "men's blog" as though it is a men's issue, and I guess in the sense that it's an issue that men have, it is. However, why do you suppose that men have trouble believing they're not wanted- that they're only a creature of necessity? I can only speculate that the answer is because we (women) have done or not done something to make them feel that way. Or perhaps because the desire to be needed is in their divine nature? Hum. Yes, I think I like that answer better. But that's not to say that the women in their lives shouldn't be involved- quite the contrary.

In "The Family: A Proclamation to the World." we can read (among other things) that "By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families." You see, I have loved being able to provide for myself, in fact it was a matter of pride with me and I have felt a little guilty the past 2 months for not bringing home a paycheck. It was hard for me to fall into being completely dependent on my wonderful husband to meet my needs because it put me in a vulnerable position; I don't know anyone that likes being vulnerable. 

I want to be better at relying on Ben because that is how I can sustain him as head of our household and develop a stronger foundation of trust in our marriage. I want him to be the best man he can be, and I want him to live up to all he can become. That starts by living up to his duties as a husband and father.

I want him embedded so badly in my life that I need him to take care of me and our family. I bet if you were to ask him, he would tell you that is what he wants as well. 

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